Saying Goodbye to Friends

 

Well, we just said a goodbye of sorts to our friends, and I thought I would take a moment to write to you about it. My friend Kevin is moving back to Kentucky for a new and better job, his son James was your friend, and I imagine someday when you read this you may no longer remember him, though I hope I am wrong about that.

I decided to write about it because you certainly seemed impacted by it. Kevin and I wanted to do one last camping trip in AZ, as we knew it would likely be our last together. He had a spot up on the rim above Payson he was fond of, so that’s where we went. It was a beautiful spot, overlooking the vast and rolling vistas that I really feel are particularly beautiful in the Western US. We set up camp and wandered down to the cliffs edge while you and James threw rocks off and we all had a competition to see who could throw the farthest. One thing I love about being in the outdoors with you is how much you and I both share a love for it. You chop wood with my hatchet, shoot your Red Ryder bb gun, whittle on sticks with your knife, and of course build fires and gather firewood. I cooked some steaks over coals from the fire, and as usual we ate them with our hands. That night after we turned in you did your usual 4-5 wakeups being very confused as to your surroundings, sometimes just sitting up or standing up and saying someone’s name, or just “guys, guys”. I slept next to you to get you back to bed quickly as you’re never fully awake when you do it.

What I really wanted to write to you about was losing people, how they come into and out of your life. I think its important to know its going to happen, sometimes by choice, sometimes not, but that it should never stop you from opening your heart. I’ve met many people in my life, some are quite difficult or different, some are a joy, some you feel some invisible kinship with, and some you will sense need your help in one manner or another. In my experience it almost always hurts when they go, for whatever reason of which there will be many. In some cases I have seen friends 5 or even 10 years later and picked right back up where we left off, in other cases too much time has passed and there is an awkward memory of what used to be, but the feeling it certainly is no longer.

I have always felt, and said “I don’t want to need anyone”. Now- that doesn’t mean I don’t need people, I do, and my friends have helped me immensely in life. What I mean is I don’t want to be friends with someone only so I can gain something specific from them, that my motives were more than just to be there for each other, to enjoy one another’s company, and support each other when support was needed. You will find a lot of people that draw near to one another for some benefit, be it business, proximity to power, some status to be gained or other personal gain. Those relationships are hollow, and draining. Relationships built on selflessness, free of envy or desire for anything other than to see the other prosper- those will fill your soul, and your life, and those that you love wills see and feel it as well.

I hope that you make wonderful friends in your life. I hope you share a beautiful journey with them. I hope you get to keep them as long as you can, and when you have to let them go, that you allow yourself to grieve about what is lost, and remember the joy and adventures you shared before they departed down a different path than the one you are on. In the case of James, you were both young, many years ahead of you. You shared a day of eating ice cream cones in Young AZ, setting up a shelter, shooting at birds and other things with your bb guns, chopping wood, building a fire, watching the sunset over a beautiful vista while sailing rocks into the great beyond, sitting under a stary canopy while your fathers talked of things men 30 years older than you talk about, you ate the finest ribeye steak with your hands, and had soda together, roasted marshmallows and then tucked into your sleeping bags at a late hour after warming yourself by a fire. If there is a better way to say goodbye, I know not of it.

I love you, and so much enjoy seeing you become the man you are on your way to being. I love your heart, how sweet and kind you can be, and I love your courageous spirit of adventure and exploration. I hope I don’t fail you too much, or too often, and that someday you’ll forgive me for the places I came up short.