The Road Home

Short of the complications Mom had while she was pregnant with you and your sister I have just finished what I hope will be the most stressful week of my life, it tested and stretched me to the point of breaking, and I prayed more than I have in quite some time, and did so with a great measure more intensity.

I am leaving a career that I have enjoyed, and that has rewarded me well for something unknown. I am leaving a place that was comfortable and quiet for home, but a new home that is quite a project and the most expensive thing I have ever purchased.

A few months back Mr. Ryan, as I call him around you, approached me with a job offer. Three years ago he and his wife, Mrs. Hallie, started a company called ToeBlooms. It was a great idea, infant footwear that no one else had come up with, a real life American dream that I was watching play out. I had always thought the idea would make them rich someday, but the path between idea and execution can be long, winding and full of pitfalls. I remember I was in your sisters room with you and her and we were playing and the phone rang. Ryan started asking me how things were going, and what my plans were, and it quickly dawned on me where the conversation was headed.

When I was growing up I did not know what I wanted to be. History professor was high on my list, then Nurse, then Marine, then Police Officer (bad decisions took that off the table) and finally, businessman. I would say the hardest thing about the phone call I received is that I feel I have accomplished a great deal in my current career, and even that I have accomplished more in a shorter time than I ever imagined I could. Your mother and I had a decision to make after that phone call, leave the known and comfortable behind, or stay and be content where we were. Ultimately, seeing as how I am writing this in Phoenix, we chose to venture into the unknown.

We only lived in GA for 19 months, but I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed our house that we brought you home to, the woods and fresh air in Newnan and Peachtree City. I was blessed with great friends and their kids who loved my kids. I had an office in an office building for the first time in my life, window and everything. Your father has a nostalgic bend to him, which means I dwell, but in this case there was so much to dwell on. One thing for some reason that stands out is how much I loved the cold days, chopping wood in the backyard and then lighting a fire for the night. We would all be there in this warm amber glow as a family, something about that just resonates with me. I kept thinking about that on the day they packed us, the house got emptier and emptier and part of me just wanted to stay, to hold on to it and the life we had there for a little longer. I remember standing in our bedroom and almost coming to tears, knowing that I had no guarantee I was making the right decision for my family, knowing how much I loved what I was about to leave.

Your mother, sister and you all flew home to Phoenix on September 11^th, your grandpa Turner flew to GA the same day. That Friday we packed the truck, a 26ft Uhaul, which just thinking about makes my heart sink. This thing was huge, but as we looked at all the boxes and furniture I did not think it was going to fit, my mind started racing with how much it would cost to ship the rest home. Thankfully God sent two very adept packers who managed to squeeze it all in. 1,800 miles lay between Newnan GA and Phoenix AZ. Your grandfather drove my Xterra pulling a large trailer. Dixie and I drove the Uhaul, pulling the Honda Pilot behind it on a trailer.

I have never driven anything that large in my life, God willing I never will again. The whole truck leaned to the right and looked like it could tip over at any moment. Once your grandpa stopped me to check the tires after a day and a half of driving because he thought it was leaning more! Needless to say I did not sleep well that night. We made our way across the country though, state by state, AL, MS, LA, TX, NM and finally AZ.

This is my gamble in life, or at least my first. I am typically cautious and calculating when it comes to our financial security and my career. I believe in what this company could be, and how it could change our lives, and so I am cutting my pay in half, sending your mother back to work, and we are striving forward.

Someday you will have to pick your moment to leap. When the phone rings as you sit in a cozy life you have shaped for yourself you will have to decide for your family. I don’t know which path is better, only time will tell that tale, I only know that there is no glory in complacency, and there is no victory without the prospect of defeat. My only worry is that I fail you and our family, that I fail Ryan and his family. The bible says those who are found trustworthy are rewarded with more responsibility; I feel the weight of that now more keenly than ever before. This is no large nameless faceless multibillion dollar corporation, this is my friend, his family, and my family, and I cannot fail any of us.

No matter how this part of our story ends my one solace and place of rest will be in our family. You are almost a year old now, taking a few steps on your own and actually forming a few words. You still wont eat any real food though! All our attempts end in a grimace and you spitting wildly, though lately you have taken to licking more things, baby steps for my baby boy. I love you, and I am glad we are home, in the West, shaping our future together with the friends and family we love and are blessed to have. 

Singapore

Your father traveled across the world this week, while you traveled across the country with your mother and sister back home to Phoenix. I am currently in Singapore, a small, prosperous city in Southeast Asia. I would say it reminds me of a tropical New York City.

Last night I ventured out from the Hilton and had a great dinner at a Tapas bar owned by a friendly and free pouring Austrian gentlemen. He had recently acquired some wines from his home country and luckily for me I was sitting next to some of his good friends and was engaged in about 7 rounds of tastings. I struck up a conversation with the strangers at the bar, a gentleman from the UK and his girlfriend who was from Singapore.  They invited me to a bar called Harrys- great live music, a very interesting scene to say the least and some conversation when you could manage over the volume coming from the speakers.

As I said the scene inside of Harrys was very interesting, many older white males, and many young Asian women (I was told many were from Indonesia, Thailand, Malaysia). In a word they were working girls, working what they call the oldest profession, selling one’s body for sex.  Located across the street from the bar was a shopping mall of sorts. It is called the “four floors of whores” by locals. Of course my guides told me about it and said I must see it while I was here. I was happy to have their company as I would not have attempted it on my own.

That night I didn’t think much of the scene around me, I was mostly focused on having a good time, taking in the spectacle and relaxing after a stressful week of work. We went to two of the floors, and inside one of the bars, actually a country bar believe it or not. I never thought I would hear Toby Keith over the speakers in Singapore, I guess I can’t escape him no matter how far away I go!

I woke up far too early today and promptly went downstairs to rehydrate and get some breakfast, came back to the room and started considering the experience of the night before. In passing it seemed somewhat harmless, somewhat tempting, forbidden, exciting, all in good fun. However, the more I dwell on it the more it bothers me. Not only does it bother me that there is a part of me that was tempted by this, but that prostitution has always and will most likely always exist. Poor and desperate women doing what they can to survive, and males of low enough quality to pay/force upon/ or engage in the activity with them.

When I was walking by I was smiling. When I was viewing it all I was smiling and making small talk with new friends. The girls were smiling too, but I doubt they do when the sun comes up. I doubt their parents desired this life for them, or that the men engaging with them would hope for similar fates for their daughters or granddaughters.  I have always told your mother “I don’t trust men”. It is a blanket statement, but it is what I believe. We are vulnerable, and one of the greatest vulnerabilities is often our sexual desires. It overcomes reasonable thought at times, hell, it takes over all thought at times until it is a singular focus of our minds. It allows us to inflict physical pain and emotional suffering on the objects of our desire, while our goal is only to satisfy ourselves.

Men have succumbed to this throughout time; the Bible is full of stories of Godly men who did terrible things in pursuit of their desires. Presidents, priests, teachers, military leaders, pastors, all of us, each and every one of us, the best, the strongest, the most righteous and upright struggle with it. I don’t trust men, not around your sister, your mother, and even you. I do not exclude myself either, when you trust yourself, you may find regret at the end of that road.

The more I think about those women the more sorrow fills my heart. Last night I dehumanized them by labeling them prostitutes, making who they were just a title and job. This morning I gave them back their humanity and I cannot look at them the same. I do not know where they came from, what events led them to this life, the turmoil that it wreaks in their spirits. What I am certain of is this is not how women were intended to be treated, and that their current profession is due to the failure of men to make one another accountable to something greater than our desires.

One of my greatest challenges will be to teach you about women, and how they are to be cherished and protected. You must cherish them enough, to protect them from yourself and others that would do them harm. It is often the most difficult with the women that are closest to you. To be patient and kind, respectful, to look out for their interests and needs above your own.  I struggle, I lose my patience with your mother, and at times I have disregarded her wisdom and put my needs before hers. I have broken your mothers’ heart at times in my anger, and said terrible things. I have seen her as my enemy, instead of seeing her as the gift from God that she is. These struggles are natural- and I could go on for many more pages about them, and most likely will in the future. What I want to let you know is I will be there to help you, as I wished more people had been there to help me.

There are many ways you can view this world and the people in it. I hope you have eyes of empathy and compassion, I hope you choose to be morally strong and trustworthy. I hope you surround yourself with friends who will help you in becoming a good man.

I miss you like crazy right now. After this week I have to go to South America, it is still two more weeks until I can hold you again. I love you so much, and no matter what you struggle with, how you falter, I will be there; I will not judge you or ridicule you. You are my son, my love and pride will always surround you.

Following your heart

                 I have probably flown into and out of San Diego CA 30 times over the last 4 years. Nearly every time I would look out the window as we were getting near and see the desert floor rise up to become red and dusty cliffs, and atop those cliffs there was a sprawling forest, mountain meadows dotted with lakes. I longed to stand in one of those meadows, and breathe in the last gasps of the cool air before it descended, unencumbered of its moisture to meet the ceaseless desert beyond.

                I am happy to report that on this business trip I did just that, I journeyed where my heart was longing to go. I mapped my route and set off, me and my rental car, and a can of redbull which I sometimes indulge in on roadtrips. I had a rather sporty car this trip, so the curves of the mountain road made the journey all the more enjoyable.

                As I neared the top and the shrubs turned to giant towering trees I realized what many explorers these days realize, others had come before me. The forest was dotted with cabins, and some of the meadows were fenced for cattle, sometimes l long desperately to be the first in a truly wild place. Nonetheless the area met my expectations, the road was the Sunset Highway, it began near Pine Valley and I am happy that I do not yet know where it ends. Perhaps someday we will find out together as a family.

                Even though the area was settled there was seclusion to be found, quiet places uninterrupted by the thoughts and footsteps of others. I found such a place where the wind must have been blowing at 30 miles per hour. I stood on the edge of those cliffs I had seen so many times from the sky. I tasted the last drops of the cool ocean air before they plummeted down to the desolation below. I sat and heard nothing but the wind, with no troubles plaguing my mind, and no worry in my bones.

                I often wonder if you will love wild places as I do, if such love can be instilled by a father to his children. My father brought me to the outdoors more times than could be counted. He brimmed with knowledge of plants, animals, native people, and a lot of other things you will most likely hear about someday whether you want to or not. Did his love create mine? Or did he simply introduce me to something I longed for all along and had yet to encounter?

                I will certainly be making frequent introductions. Someday you will be old enough to protest and find other pursuits to fill your time, but I hope you will find a passion for the wild as I have. I never feel as at peace as I do in those places. I never feel as bonded to others as I do when I have shared an adventure with them. There is simply a poetry to beautiful to wordsmith that stirs in me when I am free of the cities and the constant distractions of life.

                I can not wait to share it with you someday. As a father I long to share all that I find that is good in this life with you. Nothing could bring me more joy than to share that which I value, with that which I treasure. I love you always and forever, and I hope you take the time to seek out the desires of your heart.