Midish Life Crisis

Well this one is a bit of a hard one, as I am still somewhat in the midst of figuring it out. On December 17^th we hosted a front yard Friday for the neighborhood at our house. Your father drank too much and that night I noticed my heart feeling funny. Long story short I ended up in the hospital the next morning after your mother listened to me with a stethoscope and decided I should go in.

I was in something called atrial fibrillation, not entirely uncommon, but quite scary for me. It makes your heart contract too quickly, and irregularly, and not properly pump all the blood out. I stayed in the hospital overnight and you all came and visited me. It was the first time I had spent the night as a patient in a hospital, and the first time I have had a serious health issue. It has shaken me in a way that makes me uncomfortable, and I am still having bouts of depression over it. Your mother has been so good and supportive to me through this, I cannot imagine doing this alone.

At the same time as this a little boy named Hollis, who’s family attends church with us passed away from a form of cancer called DPIG. It is very rare, currently untreatable, and I believe always fatal. He passed away in early January, just shy of being 8 years old.

All of this to say I have thought about death more in the past two months than I have in the past 32 years. So many questions and uncertainties race through my mind. I have come to some conclusions that I thought I would share with you, they are of course just my own.

If I die tomorrow doesn’t much matter as if I die 50 years from now. Physical death is an unsettling certainty, and thinking of Hollis and so many like him that die so young has led me to the belief life is not about years, it is about securing eternity. The book of Ecclesiastes has writings from the wisest man who ever lived, King Solomon. He had power, women, wealth, all the things that men desire, and yet he was not fulfilled by those things. Every day myself and my fellow man chase some or all of these things. If I died a millionaire or penniless it does not change my immortal life, my place in heaven is no more or less secure. If I taste every pleasure on earth it does not soften the blow of death, the longer you live the more you will find pleasure is fleeting in every form and does not satisfy you for long.

I compare myself to Hollis. He was far braver than I will ever be, and from the outside it may seem that his life was not as full as someone like me, but once again, what do years matter in eternity? It says in the bible that there are no tears, no pain, no sorrow in heaven. There can be no longing for what we did not have on earth when we have everything in heaven, a true and lasting fulfillment that none of us can truly understand on earth. The longer I live the more I am convinced that a life focused on eternal existence with God cannot be judged on the content and quality of its earthly existence, it can only be judged on one thing along, did the person know God?, and accept him as their Lord and Savior.

The issue with this line of thinking is the obvious question “so what’s the point of living”? I will do my best to answer for myself but first a favorite quote of mine, “that life is worth living is the most necessary of assumptions, and were it not assumed, the most impossible of conclusions”. I live my life now around these things: Being a good Husband and Father, being a good neighbor (not geographically limited), following Christ, and doing his will. When I was younger than I am now (still think of myself as young) I lived life for one thing… Pleasure.

The world currently is telling people one thing, again and again, “happiness is in reach”, “contentment is just around the corner”! There is always something you can buy, someone you can have sex with, an alcoholic drink, a medication, a job that leaves you one step away from making it, from being happy, from filling the hole in your life. I lived like that, so will you, it’s natural when you are young, because young people don’t think they will ever die. When your life seems without end you don’t focus on how to prepare for that end, it’s like a class with no set tests or final, you don’t study for something you won’t be taking. My priorities when I was young was to have sex, have fun, and make a good living. That evolved to get married, have nice things, provide for my family, and have adventures. I didn’t preoccupy myself very much with being a good Christian, or following Gods call for my earthly life. I attended and tithed to the church, helped others when I could, but mostly just lived for a good time, and comfortable life.  

Issue is someday comfort comes to an end. Cancer, job loss, relationship issues, other sicknesses, it gets to everyone- eventually. Rich, poor, good, bad, no one escapes suffering in life. I regret this heart thing happened to me, or rather I find myself wishing it did not. But it has served as a turning point, my life is vulnerable, I am vulnerable, and I should live my life in a way that I will feel unashamed about when I die. Once again you cannot earn your way into heaven, but God also understood that you cannot pleasure your way to a full life. We have the example of Solomon I mentioned earlier, there is no (one next experience) that provides a threshold over which we can pass to have achieved a “full life”.

Ok, so what does this matter to you? First, I want you to enjoy being young. A popular verse in the bible is Ecclesiastes 11:9 “You who are young, be happy while you are young, and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth. Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see” one part that is left out when people quote it sometimes is “but know that for all these things God will bring you into judgment”. I want you to have fun when your bodies are young, the world is still vast, and there is nothing like the time in your youth when you are unencumbered by adult life and responsibility. Your mother and I will try to provide you plenty of opportunity for this.

Secondly, I want you to live well, to live knowing there is an end to your race. Do not dwell on death, but focus on living a good Christian life. Help others, even your enemies, be kind and patient, love even when it is not returned, seek ways to share Jesus with others so they too can gain eternal life. Wealth and status and the accolades of the world will not matter once your life is done. I have done a very poor job up to this point of sharing Christ with others, of making it something I am willing to put out there. It can be an uncomfortable business, but it is our primary calling from God.

Lastly, have a heart of gratitude, even in the valleys of life. While in the hospital and after I caught myself feeling jealousy at others that do not have this ailment. I was upset that it happened to me, that there was something wrong inside of me I could not change. How foolish it is to think such things. All around the world there is suffering. Children that never know love- only abuse and neglect, children like Hollis that succumb to terrible diseases, adults that are victims of violence, women who are terrorized and abused by men, all manner of evil and injustice. Ultimately, we can look to Jesus, a man who lived a sinless life, but who was tortured and murdered in a terrible manner, if a perfect man was not free from suffering how can we expect to be, how can we complain? The only defeat that awaits us as believers is the one we inflict on ourselves.

One final word. If I die before you are grown know that I will see you again, that I was not afraid or sad, and that I have no regrets about what I did not yet accomplish in life. I am so fortunate in so many ways. I have my sight for Gods wonders, my ears have heard beautiful music, my heart has loved your mother and been filled with love by her in a manner I never knew possible when I was young- or even for the first few years of our marriage. I met all 3 of you, got to kiss and hold you close, watch you grow and see how wonderful the gift of life is from God, how miraculously and wonderfully you were formed. My legs traveled the world wider than I thought possible, but in all my travels I began to long more and more for home where you all were. I will never do anything as great as helping to bring the three of you into this world. I want for nothing, God has given me more than I could ever warrant.

Deacon, I don’t know everything you love yet at 3 years old, but I know you have a deep abiding love for “Louds”. That tends to be your catch all term for power tools. You follow me around every Saturday doing chores, playing with the blower, pushing the lawnmower (when it’s not running) and helping me wrench and saw what needs sawing and wrenching. You carry around an old bb gun and put it in your pants like its your holster, you can name most heavy equipment types- backhoes, excavators, and all the rest. You are still my sweet boy, always quick to cuddle after roughhousing around. You will be my only son, and I am so happy for everything that you are.